*******
“Sure.”
She let out
a frustrated sigh as they got out from the fancy restaurant. She couldn’t even
eat properly because of the awkward silence between them. She tried to have fun
as much as possible by asking him questions and talking about her day as well.
However, she dosen’t have much thing to do when he actually does not want to be
there with her.
“Hyeon, are
you coming?”
Hyeon
realized she froze where she stands because of her thoughts. She nodded and
catched up with him while trying to ignore her boyfriend’s bothered tone. They
didn’t talk much. Even when Hyeon shivered because of cold, he didn’t look at
her. She remembered how he was before, he would be worried and say they should
continue their date at home so she wouldn’t feel cold.
Silence was
a torture. She wondered why they are still doing this, why they act like nothing
is wrong when every good memories between them were collapsing. Of course when
things had become to change, she asked what is wrong because she was worried.
However, when he smiled and said “nothing”, she gave up. He shut her down.
Since then, there was nothing she can do except acting like they are still good
and in love, which is a big lie.
She
couldn’t stand the silence anymore so she talked slowly. “Jaebum, I think I
should go.”
Jaebum
stopped walking and he finally raised his head to look at her with worry. “Why?
Is everything okay?”
Hyeon
smiled sadly. She knew Jaebum is not a bad guy, she could understand he was
worried. So she just shook her head. “No, I just not feel so well. I also feel
a bit sleepy so I probaly will sleep, that’s all.” She changed the last
sentence in her head and thought or I
will just eat some snacks and watch a movie while crying.
“You are
lying.”
“Oh, so now
you care?” She immediately closed her eyes with regret as she said that. Shit.
That was not right. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean it like that.” Because she knew
he cares. Even if he dosen’t love her like he used to, she knew Jaebum still
cares a lot. When she opened her eyes back, she saw his eyes were full of guilt
and regret.
“Hyeon, I-”
“Stop.”
Hyeon took a shaky breath as she put her hands in her lather jacket’s pockets
because of cold. “I think... We shouldn’t see each other for a while. Think
about what you want to do, okay? Then we can talk about it.”
“I’m
sorry.”
It was
obvious that Jaebum is sincere about his apologize. His voice was painful
because he knew how much he hurts his girlfriend. Jaebum could look
cold-hearted sometimes and he could get angry easily but he actually has a kind
heart. He was responsible, protective towards people he loves and he could
blame himself for everything. Hyeon realized he was seriously torturing himself
for something he can’t control, so she hugged him and murmured with an
understanding tone. “It’s okay Bumie. Just think about it, okay? Please don’t
beat yourself up. We can see each other anytime you want.”
When Jaebum
agreed her by nodding with a light smile, she called a cab she had seen in the
road. “You should’ve at least let me take you home,
it’s really late.”
She laughed to his kindness happily, it was
good to see his protectiveness again. “It’s alright. I will text you when I get
back home. Goodnight Jaebum.”
“Goodnight Hyeon.”
She let her tears fall when Jaebum can’t see
her anymore.
She knew what is coming and this was scaring
the shit out of her.
**********
Jaebum couldn’t fall asleep that night. He
lay in the bed, staring at the ceiling teary eyed, overwhelmed with anger. He
tried to sleep by closing his eyes but their good memories
started to revive in his mind. He didn’t know when he stopped missing her and
didn’t need her anymore. He wasn’t feeling that happy when he see her and soon,
he was feeling less emotions when they were kissing or just hanging out. He
didn’t know why this happened and this was eating him alive. Jaebum knew he
can’t control his emotions. They were a perfect couple so of course he wouldn’t
want to lose her consciously. Well, not every relationships meant to last
forever, just like ours he thought, as he look at their photos in
his phone.
In one of the photos, they were smiling to the
camera in a zoo. Jaebum laughed unavoidably, thinking about that day. They were
dating for a month and he remembered how much she act childish there, running
around like an excited little girl. She was pointing wild discoverer tour while
trying to convince him to go. He had seen her aegyo first time there and it was
the cutest thing he can think of so he couldn’t reject her.
Another photo. It was a simple one, they were in the park they always walk and they were eating icecream happily. Hyeon insisted about taking a photo and when Jaebum asked why, she said she can look at these photos at nights when she can’t sleep. Jaebum’s smiled disappeared slowly. It was an ironic situation, he was usually not willing to take photos but now he was looking at them because of the sleepless night. He glad Hyeon sent him every photo they took so far.
Another photo. It was a simple one, they were in the park they always walk and they were eating icecream happily. Hyeon insisted about taking a photo and when Jaebum asked why, she said she can look at these photos at nights when she can’t sleep. Jaebum’s smiled disappeared slowly. It was an ironic situation, he was usually not willing to take photos but now he was looking at them because of the sleepless night. He glad Hyeon sent him every photo they took so far.
He looked at the last one and tried not to cry
like a little baby. He could see how sad Hyeon was. She was smiling but her
eyes were telling everything. They were in a lunapark which makes things worse.
God damn it, Jaebum was supposed make her happy that day, not worry her about
why he was acting a bit cold. He was supposed to be a good boyfriend, a man who
can make his girl happy, which Hyeon actually deserves. Because she was so
understanding, so kind and even when she was sad, she was thinking Jaebum. He
knew he dosen’t deserve her, especially in this situation.
Jaebum dosen’t want to break up. He dosen’t want
to hurt Hyeon more but he knew the more he stays with her, the more she will be
hurt. He knew what is the right thing to do, just wasn’t sure if he is brave
enough.
He closed his eyes and tried to sleep again. This
could wait tomorrow, now he just wanted to sleep so he can forget how fool he
was.
**********
Four days. It wasn’t long, not at all. Sometimes
they couldn’t meet for weeks and they weren’t a couple which wants to see each
other everyday anyway. Both of them believed talking everyday could be boring
and a little distance make things more excited. So four days was nothing...
Unless she waits for bad news.
She was going insane because she was aware of
what is going to happen and yet, there is nothing can be done except waiting
and waiting. Hyeon was a sensitive girl but she wouldn’t show her emotions
easily, so she just cried that day and other four days, she continued her daily
life. Going to bookstore for her job, cleaning her house, meeting with her best
friend, going to gym… She did everything, then came back home and lay in her
bad, thinking about their relationship and not sleeping at nights. Hyeon
thought about past four days and realized she just slept nine hours in four
nights. Hyeon wasn’t a hopeless romantic, she knew their relationship might end
eventually as well. However, this dosen’t change the fact that love can hurt.
She grimaced when she realizes this is a cliche.
‘Love hurts’ and ‘my love for you will last forever’ kinda words were something she hate. Hyeon definitely loves
Jaebum but she always hate those kind of romantic novels and movies. She
thought how pathetic she was but this was unavoidable. So she just covered her eyes with her
forearm. The noise coming from her stomach shows how hungry she was but she
didn’t care. Getting up, walking to the kitchen and grab something from the
fridge was impossible in this situation.
She
heared a text message voice and froze. Hyeon was not social and she knew her
bestfriend wouldn’t text her in 11PM. She knew who texted her. She didn’t want
to look at her phone but looked eventually.
Hey, can we meet at the park tomorrow afternoon?
Sure.
Sure.
What could she say? No, I still don’t want to end things? No, I still want to
be with you even if you don’t love me? No, because I’d like to protect my heart
from falling into pieces?
Hyeon
knew she can’t sleep again, so she just
took her earphones and started to listen music. It will be a long night for
sure.
**********
It
was a cold and windy day again. She hoped at least the weather could be sunny
but of course it was rainy. She entered to the park they always would go to and
saw him in one of the benches waiting for her. Hyeon took a deep breath and
quickened her steps. When Jaebum saw her, he smiled politely.
“You should’ve
wear a jacket, it’s cold today.”
… and
his protectiveness again. Damn it, she was going to miss this side of him so
much. “I will be fine, don’t worry.”
“Okay.
How are you?”
“I’m
great.” Yeah. So great. “What about you?”
“I’m
doing fine.”
She
knew there is going to be an awkward silence again, so she just spoke to
prevent that. “So what did you decide?” Ridiculous question. She knew what he
wants to do. It was so obvious. His eyes, his hand gestures, his seating
position, everything was so obvious. That’s Hyeon just waited his answer, even
if she knows what is coming.
Jaebum
changed his position and turned her a little bit to face her. “Hyeon I…” He let
out a sigh disappointedly. She knew Jaebum was mad himself right now and this
made her sad even more. “I’m sorry. I thought about it a lot. I thought why my
feelings towards you changed… You know I still care about you, right? I just…
don’t love you like I used to in the past and don’t know why. You are kind,
sweet, understanding, funny, smart and everything I can ask for. I don’t know
what happened, what changed and please understand that I didn’t lie to you when
I said I love you again and again. I did, I really did. It just… we fell apart,
I guess? Oh god, I’m terrible at this.” Elbows on his knees, he rubbed his face with his hands. He thought four days about how he can explain
himself and still, he could find nothing to say. “I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.”
Hyeon could understand he started to panic, so she hugged her while
trying to hold her tears. She was successful in this anyway. “Jaebum, I
understand. Please don’t worry. Sometimes feelings can change even if you don’t
want to, so stop blaming yourself for something you can’t control, okay?”
“I just… didn’t want to hurt you. I feel terrible for that.”
“Don’t.” When he looked at her with guilt, she smiled. It was not a fake
smile, she didn’t pretend like she is not sad. They knew each other for years,
both of them could understand when other one is lying. “It was a great time.
You were an amazing boyfriend, both of us were so happy and you are so kind and
sweet in every way. You always think about others. Stop doing that, okay? Live
your life, take care of yourself and think about yourself sometimes.”
Jaebum laughed while shaking his head. “You’re unbelievable. How can you
be so understanding?”
“Well… I’m just like that.” She winked playfully to change the mood, otherwise
she couldn’t stop her tears. “Let’s just say we are both awesome and we will
both have a great life.”
He nodded while smiling. They were unhappy but both of them pretending
like they will be okay to not to hurt each other. Jaebum looked at the green
garden for a while, feeling the wind in his face, watching the falling leaves.
“We are going to see each other again, right?”
Hyeon nodded and looked at the sight in front of them as well. This park
was one of the most important places in their relationship. “I hope so. Who
knows what will happen?”
“I should go then.”
“I should too.”
They stand up, looking at each other for a while, memorizing every
detail on their faces. Then they hugged one last time and since Jaebum was the
one who ends the relationship, he turned his back first, even if he wants to
stay there a bit longer. Hyeon watched him walking away from her life, telling
herself to be strong. She love him like she used the in their first times, she
remembered every good and bad memories, realizing how much she is going to miss
even the worst argument they ever had.
There is nothing could be done though. Nobody could be blamed for this. Time
passes, memories fade, feelings change. This is the nature of life. Love will
die eventually, like everything else. Nothing was an exception it life, every
person, every friendship and every relationship has limits and there are so
many endings happening in the world, every day.
Everything will be okay.
This is just the nature of life, anyway.
